You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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