Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
