Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
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I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
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