Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
