I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Found the puke drawer
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
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