A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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