Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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