she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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