I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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