It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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