We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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