all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
