half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
