I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
