I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
