So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
