Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I need to align my fucking chakras
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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