His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
