plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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