I wannas sexs uuuuu
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
