i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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