I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
