Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
