I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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