My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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