rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
