he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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