i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
