I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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