OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
