shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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