No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
