How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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