I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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