It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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