What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
