I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
