I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
