Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
