i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
