a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
