Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize