I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
