Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We are two peas in an std pod
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
