Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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