Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
