Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
