OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
