I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
