im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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