i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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