i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Success! We fucked roommates!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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