I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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