nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She's the barista slut.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
