A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
