I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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