I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
